Anger is a normal emotion to feel, just like sadness, joy, or gratitude. Although it is unpleasant, anger can help us to identify situations that may be dangerous or harmful to us. Anger can also help us to understand situations in which we feel out of control. From time to time, anger is a necessary and justifiable feeling. Anger becomes an issue when we do not know how to express and deal with it. In other words, it becomes a problem when we lack anger management skills.
When we have a partner that struggles with anger management, it may eventually take a toll on the relationship and drain our personal energy. When anger is expressed in an unhealthy way, it can make us feel frustrated and ignored, causing us to question our own value and worth. You may recognize that you love your partner and want to help them for the sake of your relationship, but aren’t sure how to help. With that in mind, there are things you can do to encourage and support your partner while they navigate their anger management.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration created an Anger Management handbook that showcases some guidelines involved in dealing with anger management. In the handbook, an aggression cycle is highlighted that separates the behavior into three categories: buildup, explosion, and aftermath. To recognize signs of unhealthy anger management, we will focus on the explosion and aftermath categories:
Unhealthy anger management often results in a partner feeling unsafe, whether it be in their home environment or emotionally. Feeling unsafe is subjective, as a partner does not have to have experienced violence to feel unsafe.
You’ve acknowledged that you want to help your partner, but you have to first be sure that you will be safe in the process of doing so. If you are in immediate danger, there are numerous hotlines and other resources available to help you.
If you feel unsafe, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) to get connected with resources that can help.
If you are not in immediate danger, reach out to a mental health professional for support and guidance. They understand that it is difficult for you to take that first step, especially because for you it may feel like you are throwing your partner under the bus. They know that this is not the case and they can help you to make a plan to safely remove yourself from the situation or provide your partner with suitable resources to get the help that they need.
There are a variety of circumstances that contribute to unhealthy anger management. These may include:
If you feel safe to do so, consider having a conversation with your partner about their anger management. If they also recognize it as an issue, they will be more likely to seek help for the sake of your relationship. If they are in denial, you may need additional resources. You will also have to judge for yourself whether or not you think they will recognize their need for help.
By having a conversation with your partner, you may discover the root causes of their anger. Sometimes, angry reactions are conditioned over time and we neglect to realize that we can alter our own reactions to challenging situations.
In any relationship, arguments and conflict are inevitable. If you find that you or your partner is getting worked up over something, try to wait to discuss the situation until you are both calm. When we are emotionally charged, we are more likely to experience brain fog and other cognitive disruptions. Recognize that you can both take some time to calm down, and use the time apart to organize your thoughts.
One thing that many relationships overlook is the need for boundaries. You may set a boundary that your partner cannot throw things in the house, or if they do, it must be to throw a pillow at your bed. Boundaries allow your partner to understand your limits and what you are able to deal with. If your partner tries to push your limits, be assertive and recognize your self-worth. Your partner may need to grow on their own before you exert your effort on fixing the relationship.
Another suggestion would be to avoid conversations entirely when your partner begins to raise their voice or show outward signs of aggression. Give them time and space to calm down so that you are able to navigate a constructive conversation. Practice compassion and patience with your partner so that they understand that they are allowed to be vulnerable. Recognize that your partner has an entirely different perspective on the world, and work together to meet in the middle.
For situations that are not immediately dangerous, consulting a mental health professional can provide valuable guidance. Engaging in empathetic conversations with your partner and exploring the underlying causes of their anger can be a productive way to start addressing the issue. Practicing patience and striving to understand your partner’s perspective are also important when dealing with conflict.
Our directory includes mental health treatment facilities across Southern California that specialize in addressing anger management and related mental health issues. These centers can provide the tools and support needed to foster peace in your relationships and help your partner manage their anger more healthily. Explore our listings to find a program that suits your needs, and take the first step towards a healthier, more harmonious relationship.
